Today, 4 years ago, I checked myself into John C. Lincoln hospital at 5:30am. I was induced into labor, and was anticipating meeting my 3rd daughter. Within a few hours, I had a feeling that something may be wrong. Every other time I had an epidural, I felt nothing. This time, it was painful when I layed on my left side, so I tried to stay on my right side. The nurses told me that when I did, my baby would go into distress.
I had no idea what was in store for me.
On this day you were still alive. I could feel you moving and kicking. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I wanted you so badly, to hold in my arms, to kiss, to teach, and to love. I couldn't wait to see what you looked like, and to hear you cry. For 9 months, I tried to come up with the perfect name for you. A name that you would live with for the rest of your life. A name that would define you. Little did I know that you would only live for 38 minutes. Naming you was the least of my worries.
Now, 4 years later, I live with this void in my heart. The world kept on spinning, and mine stayed frozen in time. Nothing could have prepared me for those words my Mother had to speak to me, "They couldn't save her. I'm sorry".
There isn't a moment that I don't think of you. I'll miss you forever.

It's been so long since I have written you. I'm very sorry for that. I still talk to you everyday. You are always in my thoughts, and I speak your name every single chance I get. Two days ago, your Uncle Adam, and your Aunty Amanda gave birth to a tiny and perfect little Angel. She was so precious. Her name is Isabella Angel Leighton. My heart breaks for them, because I know exactly how they are feeling. I wish I could just take their pain away. Seeing that beautiful baby brought up so many emotions that I have been suppressing. I miss you so much Jaida!! And I miss Isabella. I felt so honored that Amanda chose me to be her God Mother. I also helped pick her name. (Well the shortened version)  Jaida, can you please ask Jesus to comfort your Uncle and Aunt?? And also please take good care of sweet Isabella. She is another star in the sky. I miss you and her with all of my heart and soul. I cannot wait to be with you both. Until that day comes, I will never forget you both. You have taken a piece of me with you and I will never be whole until I am there in Heaven with you.
Oh yeah, I'm getting my Jaida bear soon!! Finally!! I cannot wait to give it a big hug <3
I love you and Isabella to the moon and back!!
Love,
Mommy

Mother's Day

Jaida,

Today is Mother's Day. It should be a joyful day, but when someone as precious and as loved as you are, isn't here to share it with me, it completely defeats the purpose. First thing this morning, Katie and her class sang "Thank you Lord For Mother's" in church. It was so precious!! Then Uncle Adam and Amanda came over. Everything was fine. We watched movies and laughed. When they left, I immediately began shaking and sobbing. I had actually been keeping it together for a while now learning to live without you, but today really took a toll on me. I still cry everyday, but I haven't broke down in a while. Not one person mentioned you at all before I broke down. Maybe that's why. Nobody remembered that you are also my child. I realized this then called my Aunt Bonnie to tell her Happy Mother's Day from her Angel Jessica. The moment I said it, she got quiet. She asked me to repeat it again, so I said "Happy Mother's Day from Jessica" again, and silence one more time. Finally she asked me what I meant. At this time I thought I had said the wrong name. So I asked her if her daughter who had passed was named Jessica. Instantly she started bawling. She told me that after 27 years, I was the first person to tell her Happy Mother's Day from Jessica. We cried together for a good 5 minutes. She was so happy that I had remembered!! How could I forget?? That is something in common that we share. An unspoken bond. Jaida, I miss you terribly!! I guess I'm back at square one trying to find a new normal, but I'm getting there. I speak your name every chance I get, so that no one forgets you. I will keep your name alive. Your big sisters are my rock. They are strong when I can't be. You would be so proud of them. Your baby sister is almost walking now. I have told her about you and showed her your pictures many times. Today my dad and I had a nice conversation. We were suppossed to go to visit Grandma's grave today, but we forgot about it. Once I remembered I called him, and we both cried talking about how much we miss you and Grandma. It was nice to have someone to talk to about you. I've reached out to many other Mom's who have lost babies, and they really have their own thing going on, so it really helped to be able to share how I was feeling with someone. Please give Grandma and Grandpa a big hug and kiss from all of us here. And tell God and Jesus that I say "Thank you for taking good care of my Angel." Mommy loves you!! I can't wait to see you!!!

Missing you more than ever

Hi princess!! It's been so long since I've blogged. So much has happened. You have a new baby sister. She was born August 13th, 2013. I named her Mariana (after your great grandma) Jade (after you). She is absolutely perfect. I just love her so much!!
Yesterday was Good Friday. I recently watched The Passion of the Christ, and for some reason it bothered me so much more this time than it did the last time. Jesus loved us so much that he suffered a horrible death to save me. Well I was listening to KLOVE ( which I started listening to after hearing your big sisters sing some lyrics that were inappropriate for young ladies to be singing about) and I started bawling at the thought of Jesus on his last day. And at the thought of God sending his son to die. I lost you. I couldn't imagine how sad it was for God to see his son go through that.
Jaida, I miss you more than words could ever express. When I think of you, I smile more than I'm sad. I know you are in a glorious place waiting for me. I am so blessed to be a mom of an Angel. You have changed me in so many ways. I'm continuing to learn, to live without you. The void in my heart could never be replaced. I will speak of you every time I'm asked the dreaded question "how many children do you have??" You have taught me so much in life.
I love you my Angel!! I hope you have a glorious Easter with Jesus!!! Give him and Grandma a big hug for me.
Love,
Mommy

1 year, 8 months, and 2 days

You have been gone for so long!! Although it is still fresh in my mind, like it happened yesterday. It breaks my heart that I've lost out on so many milestones that you would have reached. I am getting closer to having this new baby, and I can't help but feel blessed, that I was given the opportunity to be a mom again. She will never replace you. You will always be her big sister. She will know all about you. I chose a name for her. It is Mariana Jade. Mariana is after my grandma Mary Ann, and Jade of course is after you. Will you please tell my grandma up there that I miss her so much also, and that I want this baby to be a tribute to the both of you. Two amazing and loving people who passed away too soon.
I guess I'm doing okay lately. Eventhough I still have this empty place inside my heart. I had an ultrasound a few days ago, and I got to see whet Mariana looks like in 4-d imaging. Its amazing how technology advanced!! While I was talking to the radiologist, I mentioned that I still had the disc of your ultrasound, and she asked me to bring it in next month when I go in for my next ultrasound, so she can look at it and see if she can detect the heart defect. Even the Dr came in afterwards and asked me to bring it in. They said that the radiologist who did your ultrasound must have looked right past it because it should have been obvious. So I'm excited to find out what they will have to say.
I was asked to be in your Uncle Adam's wedding as a bridesmaid after all!! I'm so excited!! Your big sisters get to be flower girls. They love to dress up, so it will be a lot of fun for them. Were going to do a slide show at the reception, and were going to include you. I take your urn with me to family gatherings because you are a part of this family.
I love you so much Angel!!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I haven't written you in a while. As you know I talk to you throughout the day though. I feel so guilty that I'm trying to move on. I feel like I've ran out of people to talk to about how I'm feeling. Nobody wants to hear how much I miss you. Being pregnant doesn't help either. I'm not trying to replace you like everyone seems to think. I just want to stop feeling like this. It's getting hard to act like I'm fine.
Tomorrow is my appointment to find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I have all of this pressure from my family to have a boy. But, I don't want the baby to be a boy. I want a girl, I want you. I'm ust hoping that this baby is healthy.
Your Uncle Adam is getting married next June!! I was really excited about it, until I heard that him and Amanda asked Amber to be in the wedding party and they didn't ask me. It's funny because Amanda doesn't even like Amber, I think the only reason that they asked her is because they asked her boyfriend Emerson to be in it. I can't believe I'm this upset over it though.
I miss you more than anyone could ever comprehend.
God, please give me strength to cope with life's overwhelming circumstances.

Another Angel grew wings

A little boy named Dane in Jenna's class came up to me when he found out that I was pregnant, and told me that his mommy had a baby in her tummy too. Today he came up with some sad news that his baby brother died. His mom delivered a stillborn at 18 weeks, two days ago. I called the pastor and got his phone number to try to talk to his mom Rachel, but no one answered. I feel so bad for the family, but I'm sort of glad that they didn't answer, because I still need to process all of this. I'm afraid that I'll lose my composure, and I don't want to make this about me. I will keep trying to call though. I also called the Miss Foundation and they told me that they will send me a grief packet to give to the family. I also called another member of the congregation, to see if anyone is interested in making the family meals for a week or two.
Jaida please welcome him into Heaven and show him around. I just wish there was more that I could do.