Pregnancy

When I found out that I was pregnant for you, I was so happy. I wanted you so bad. Being pregnant with you was a lot harder than my other two pregnancies. Around the sixth month I started having breathing problems and chest pain. As for the chest pain, I thought that was because I had previously had endocarditis 5 years earlier, but the breathing problems were new and scary. I couldn't walk across the street without having to sit down every ten feet and take a break. I told my doctor, so he referred me to a cardiologist and a pulmonologist.
The cardiologist said that my tests results were normal, however the pulmonologist said that I had asthma. I never had asthma before, but that was suppossed to be the reson for all of my breathing problems. I was given an inhaler an sent on my way. I used my inhaler as perscribed, two puffs once a day, but that didn't help at all. My breathing and chest pains got so bad that I went to the hopsital six times.
I ended up going into pre-term labor in my seventh month of pregnancy and went to the hospital so that my doctor could stop the labor. I was given a shot and my heart rate was 150 bpm and the your heart rate was 180 bpm. It was awful. I couldn't believe that was going to stop the labor, but it did. I was dischaged around three hours later and was told to take it easy. Like I could do anything but.
On August 30th, I woke up so excited, because at midnight on the31st, I was going to get checked in to the hospital to get induced. I couldn't wait to meet you!! When midnight finally rolled around I went to the hospital and got checked in and was induced at 2:00am. Like my last two births, I thought that the epidural would do its job and by the afternoon I would be holding you in my arms. But, it didn't. I could feel every contraction unless I was laying on my right side. I was fully dialated but my crevix hadn't thinned. The babies heart beat kept speeding up until I would have a contraction then it would drop very low. This went on for hours, so I was told that I would have to have an emergency c-section. I quickly called my dad to tell him because I was scared that something would go wrong. After I got off the phone with him I was rushed in to have an emergency c-section.
While I was laying there I was just waiting to hear you cry, but it never came. I heard "The cord is around her neck!" Then someone said "It's a girl" so I thought everything was okay until I heard my mom say "Is she breathing?" I looked to my left and finally saw a croud of people working on you, but I couldn't see you. I'm not sure if I was just so emotionally exhausted to stay awake or if they put me out, but I woke up to my mom crying telling me that they couldn't save you.
That was unfathomable!! You were just kicking inside of my womb a few short hours ago. How could she be gone?!?!?!?! My mom asked me if I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to see a dead baby I wanted to see my baby who was alive and well. I told her no.
All I could do was cry, so I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I looked over and saw my mom getting you dressed. Was that just a bad dream?? My mom asked again "Are you sure you don't want to hold her?" I finally agreed to, and I'm so happy that I did. You looked absolutely perfect. Not a single flaw. It looked like you were peacefully sleeping and I held you for hours. I kept looking at you wondering if you would ever wake up.
My sister Lorayne drove in from California and my Dad, my brother Adam, my sister Amber, and my niece Tessa drove in from Wisconsin immediately when they heard the news. Of course, my sister Lorayne made it to Phoenix much faster than anyone else. My Mom, and Lorayne stayed with me at the hospital overnight in the delivery room instead of going to a postpartum room, because I couldn't handle being around the babies. If I would have heard a baby cry, I probably would have lost it. I finally sent you down to the morgue that night.
The rest of my family wanted to see you, so a couple of hours before they arrived to the hospital, I had the nurses bring you up and get you dressed so that I could hold you some more. I knew that I was leaving the hospital that night, and I wanted to spend some time with you before I would have to say goodbye. When they got there they all cried. They all held you and loved you.
My doctor arrived to discharge me from the hospital that evening. Everyone left the room so that you and I could be alone. I sat there holding you and kissing you, just praying that you would wake up, but you didn't. You just layed there sleeping like a beautiful little angel. I told you how much I love you as I layed you down and kissed you, then I said goodbye. I gracefully walked out the door and gently closed it behind me. Then I ran back in the room and started sobbing. I picked you back up and just sobbed, I didn't want to go home without you, but I knew that I couldn't take you home.