I'm so stressed out!!

Hi Angel. Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I went to the doctor yesterday, and found out that I'm pregnant. I'm scared to death!! I haven't told your grandma yet, because I'm worried that she will up and move out. I am worried sick that something might go wrong with this baby. My doctor told me to quit taking the paxil that I've been on. I saw on a commercial that women who take paxil while pregnant, have babies with cleft lips, and other birth defects. Luckily, I found out soon enough to get off of them. I have never experienced morning sickness until this pregnancy. It's awful. I puked all over myself when I was in grandpa's van yesterday. Jaida, I want you to know that I'm not replacing you. Nothing or no one could ever replace you. I still miss you every single day. Can you please talk to God for me, and ask him to help me find peace of mind. I have been praying about it, but I worry so much. I don't think that I could handle losing another baby. I hope it's a boy.

Numb

Lately I've felt so numb. I dropped your toy drive donation box off, and I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment like I expected to have. I guess that I thought it would bring me some peace, that I did something to honor you and help out the community this Christmas, but it felt like a big let down. I should be giving you presents for Christmas. I have been thinking about God a lot lately. We share something in common. We both have lost a child. A child that we created. It makes me feel closer to God than ever before. Yet, I still have been avoiding going to Church. I don't feel like I am accepted there. Like I'm judged. I forgive my pastor for telling me that you weren't in Heaven because you weren't baptized. I just feel that I don't want to belong to a congregation that believes such idiocies. I know that you are in Heaven. I will see you there when my time comes. I long for you, my child. I'll love you til the end of time.