Happy Halloween Pumpkin

Holidays just aren't the same without you here with us. It hit me like a ton of bricks lastnight. I cried until I was cold and shaking.  I sobbed out loud. It's crazy, the love a mother has for her child. I miss you terribly. You are always on my mind.
I read on the hopemommies fb that grieving is silent, it is just thoughts, but mourning is vocal. Every month, when it nears the first, My body remembers. Aches for you.
Your big sisters went trick or treating yesterday. Jenna was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and Katie was little red riding hood. It was rainy and windy, but they got tons of candy!! I would have dressed you up as a pumpkin. You would have been so cute!!
Lastnight, I prayed that Jesus would snuggle with you and give you a kiss for me. I bet you're a snuggle bug. I can't wait until the day that I get to hold you again!! I love you so much Jaida.

Your name

Today, I decided to look up your name. Jaida means"a jade gem", and Grace means "favored by God". It took me forever to choose your name!! You were almost named Alyssa Jade. Alyssa means "noble and rational",  and Jade obviously means "gem".  I already know the answer, but I still can't help but wonder if you'd still be here if Alyssa Jade was your name. Of course God would want a gem that he favored, but would he have wanted you so soon if your name was Alyssa?
I know that you are in Heaven, safe in Jesus' arms, but I still think about you constantly!! I just miss you so much!!
I love you.

Will you do Mommy a favor??

Today is baby Stella's first birthday in heaven, and baby Max's Mommy got the autopsy report back. Will you do me a favor and ask Jesus to be with Suzanne and Krystal today?? I remember getting your autopsy back. It was a very hard day for me, and if it weren't for Jesus helping me through this last year I probably wouldn't have made it to celebrate your first birthday.
I hope that Stella has a glorious birthday today!!
Thank you Jaida!!
Mommy loves you!!

The Soundtrack of your little life

Today was the first day that I have been able to listen to the soundtrack that I have made of songs that remind me of you, without crying through it. I guess I'm feeling strong today.  At least stronger than yesterday.  Girly, you sure made a huge impact on my life. The way that I view life in general. No more rose colored glasses. I appreciate life so much more. I get goosebumps at some pretty ackward times. People ask me if I'm cold, and I graciously tell them that I'm a very emotional person. Any time I see your sisters do something for their first time, it's hard for me to catch my breath. I will always dream of seeing you do things for your first time. Your first breath, your first cry, your first smile, your first steps, your first birthday...
I will always think about the what if's and the could have been's. Only the good things, because I can't imagine the bad. You were a blessing sent to me. You and I will be together someday.
Mommy loves you, Jaida!!

Butterflies

Today I saw a yellow butterfly and I thought of you. Gosh, does it ever get easier?? Will there ever be a day that I can say that I'm doing great?? It feels like the answer is, no. I know that you are safe in God's arms, and I guess it makes me feel jealous. Jealous that you aren't in mine. I wish that I wouldn't have been induced. That maybe you'd still be here.
I'm just missing you so much today, Jaida.
I constantly look for signs from you.
Big hugs pumpkin!!
I love you!!

Time in Heaven

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to a 'blink of an eye' for us on Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she's doing, than when she looks behind her, I'll already be there." 
                                                                Author Unknown

Guilt

The other day, my mom pointed out to me that I am spending too much time on my grief. That the pills that I'm taking are making me lose interest in my other children. I have noticed that I haven't spent much quality time with my daughter Katie, who is home all day with me. I feel guilty beyond belief!! I love ALL 3 of my daughters!! Two in which is my reason for getting up in the morning, and the one in heaven in which is the one who keeps me from wanting to get up at all. I don't blame her, I blame myself!! It's just hard, and is going to take time.
Even after a year I still find it difficult to complete daily tasks. I forget to eat, and my children have to tell me "mom I'm hungry" otherwise it would just slip my mind!!  Okay, now reading what I just typed, it makes me sound like I'm a bad mom or something. I'm not.
Katie asked me to make a pinata after seeing it on pbs. Needless to say, I made one with her. It felt good to do something fun and random with her. She cant wait until it dries so we can decorate it!!
Lord, I pray for understanding from the people in my life, that this is a hard and uncharted road that I am dealing with day to day. I pray for the strive to get up everyday, and spend as much quality time with my girls as I can, before they grow up and don't need me anymore. I pray that you walk down this road along side of me. Please send Jaida my love!! In Jesus name, Amen

Good Morning Angel

I am missing you. Today Grandma, your big sister Katie, and I are going to take the fliers for your toy drive around to local businesses. Grandpa and I dropped the donation box off at St. John's. I get this weird feeling that Pastor Lahmann doesn't want me to do the toy drive there. Maybe it's because it's not closed to the church. I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's a burden. Maybe I should have talked to the elder of the two pastors, Pastor Labbs. Or the principal.
The toy drive just started out as a thought, then it grew, and grew. On Facebook alone, there are 900+ guests and counting, that have been invited. 13 gifts have already been ordered on Amazon!! Why not get people from all over the United States involved??!!??  900+ people know about you!! You are making an impact on this Earth!!
I feel guilty for feeling like a burden, because I'm doing something so great!! I feel you with me. Before this, I didn't. I'm going to pray about this sweetie!!

Mommy loves you Jaida!!

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Emotions that words can't describe

Oh Jaida, you would be so proud. I have been doing great things. It makes me feel so close to you. Your big sister Jenna, and I were honored to be a part of a walk to remember all the babies that are with you now. The turn out was amazing. As I pushed that stroller with Jenna in it, you were with me, the whole 4.5 miles. When I reached the end, it was like you spiritually lifted me up!! 
Your Aunty Lorayne, and I  put together a toy drive in your honor. So far, everything has fallen perfectly into place, just as I prayed for. I never dreamed in a million years that I would be doing something like this. It feels so exhilerating!!
I dream of the moment that we reunite. Until then sweet Angel, I will be missing you, loving you, and honoring you!!
Thank You God for this blessing!!