Another Angel grew wings

A little boy named Dane in Jenna's class came up to me when he found out that I was pregnant, and told me that his mommy had a baby in her tummy too. Today he came up with some sad news that his baby brother died. His mom delivered a stillborn at 18 weeks, two days ago. I called the pastor and got his phone number to try to talk to his mom Rachel, but no one answered. I feel so bad for the family, but I'm sort of glad that they didn't answer, because I still need to process all of this. I'm afraid that I'll lose my composure, and I don't want to make this about me. I will keep trying to call though. I also called the Miss Foundation and they told me that they will send me a grief packet to give to the family. I also called another member of the congregation, to see if anyone is interested in making the family meals for a week or two.
Jaida please welcome him into Heaven and show him around. I just wish there was more that I could do.

A ray of hope

Your big sister Jenna goes to school at St. John's Lutheran, which is also where we go to church. My faith has been dwindling quite a bit since my pastor told me that you weren't in Heaven, so I was avoiding going to church there. I actually started going to another one right next door to my house, called Faith Chapel. The first time I went there was your birthday, and I was actually walking home from St. John's when the pastor from Faith Chapel saw us and yelled service starts here in 15 minutes. I told him I'd be right back, and walked home to drop the Sunday School art projects off, and I went back. Your sister's went to Sunday School, and I went to service. While I was sitting there a woman named Danielle, came to welcome me, and actually decided to sit with me. After the service, we were talking, and I mentioned that it was your birthday. Tears came to her eyes, as she said that she also lost a baby. Her daughter Hope would have turned 2 on September 19th.  I believe that God lead me there.
Jenna's teacher stopped me in the hallway yesterday when I picked her up, and again told me again, that if there was anything that I needed just to let her know. Well, today I got a call from the preschool teacher at St. John's, that someone anonomously paid for Katie to attend preschool there!! What a blessing!!
Jaida, I miss you so much!! It just kills me that I will never have the honor to take you to your first day of school. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I love you more and more as the days pass.

This morning I threw up blood. I went to the walk-in clinic at the hospital, and they wheeled me over to the er. All my blood work came back good. They said it's probably from irritation from morning sickness. They did an ultrasond, and I got to see your little brother or sister!! The baby is shaped like a little peanut with arms.
Jenna said to me today that she hates that I love you the best. I never meant to send the wrong message to her. How do you explain to a 6 year old, that all of my hopes and dreams for you, were shattered when you were taken from me.  I feel like I've failed her. Like I put my grief in front her. I wish it was that easy just to move on, but you will be a part of me forever. I will never move on. I just need to learn to live with it. I'll try not to cry around them anymore. I'm also going to go out of my way to show your sisters just how much I love them too.
I miss you so much.

I am on a downwards spiral

Happy New Year Jaida!! I'm so sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. I'm not doing good at all. When you passed away, I wanted to be pregnant again immediately. I was far from in the right state of mind, because all I could think about was naming the baby Jaida Grace also. Like that would somehow bring you back and take the ache from my heart. I am scared to death. I was on Paxil for depression, and Clonazepam for my panic attacks and I weened myself off.  I am suffering from ptsd, a year and a half after you passed away!! I can't get over losing you. I just can't. Now that I'm off the medication, I am an emotional wreck, plus my hormones aren't helping. I should be happy, but instead, I'm terrified. What if I lose this baby too?? I have been praying my heart out.
Jaida, I miss you so much. I wish that it was you growing inside of me, but I'm pretty sure that it's not how it works. I love you!!