Its hitting me again. Like an ocean crashing down on me. The tears haven't started to flow yet, but they will. They always do. It feels like someone is choking the life out of me right now. I knew that the feeling of being "okay" was temporary. I need to be alone for a while, but that isn't possible. I need a break from life even if it's only 15 minutes. I want to be able to talk to you out loud. I need that. I need you. I need to fully feel all of the feelings that I have bottled up inside of me.  Right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I miss you with all of my heart. I read that mothers tend to send out the wrong signals to their children when they mourn the loss of another child, and almost make them idolize this perfect baby who is an Angel and makes them get the wrong idea. I've noticed that Jenna and Katie use death in their play. They also have said that they wished that they were dead so that they could be in Heaven with you.  Which obviously they don't understand death, but it kills me when they say that. I'm not sure that I could handle losing another child, ever. I do think of you as perfect. Not a single flaw. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. What I would give to hold you once again. To spend more time alone with you. To look you over again, so I don't lose a single detail of the memory. Oh Jaida, I love you so much that it hurts.

Forever Mine

After being diagnosed with ptsd, I think I'm actually doing pretty good. I haven't had any breakdowns at all. I guess it's because I have been counting my blessings instead of dwelling on my sorrow. I still miss you terribly, don't get me wrong. You are a part of me forever. I hold you in a very special place in my heart. You have made such an imprint on my soul that I will never get over or move on from you. I am just learning to live with it, because I will never forget. I am struggling to accept that you aren't here with me, alive. But you hold so dear to my heart, that you are. You are my inspiration. My Angel. My blessing.

I guess I've changed my mind

Aunty Lorayne and Uncle Joseph will be here on Wednesday night. I'm so excited to see them!! I also can't wait until Thanksgiving, despite my original feelings. I love my close knit, friendly, loving family.  Thanksgiving also falls on your Great Grandma, Mary Ann Leighton's, Birthday. I'm sure that you already know that though. We are going to have a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to her. I can only imagine the glorious celebrations in Heaven. Will you please give her a kiss and a big hug from me, and tell her that I love her so much and that I miss her. I miss you too. I always will. Please don't ever lose your luster. You are an Angel sent to me, but too perfect for this world, so you had to leave. Until the day that we meet again, in the most perfect place. Mommy loves you.

Diagnosis

I've been going to a psychiatrist the past couple of months, and at my last appointment, my doctor told me that I need to take it easy. He says that I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I guess he is worried that I will have a nervous breakdown if I keep myself so busy. He said that I need to take some time for myself and not do anything that could cause some extra stress in my life. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I'm still in that shocked phase. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. But, I do know that I miss you so much Jaida!!

Snow

Today was the first snowfall of the year. I was visiting with your Grandpa, when your big sister Katie called. It had been a while since I had talked to Katie on the phone. Hearing how grown up she sounded, and so caught up in the moment, I didn't even hear her tell me that it was snowing outside. Finally, she noticed that I didn't hear her, she yelled "Mommy, um, HELLO!! It's snowing outside!!!"Just when I feel so lost in my life, I realize all of the blessings and the beauty of life. Witnessing a first for a child is magical.  I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life.

Wow

On Saturday, I got a modeling job!! Crazy, huh?!?! Your Aunty Amber's friend, Angela, told me about this Redken convention at Grand Geneva Resort, and told me that they were looking for models to get their hair dyed, cut, and styled by Phillip Wilson (world famous hair stylist). So, I called, and they asked me to send them a picture, so I did. They told me to come for prep in the morning. Today we had to go in, and go up on stage in front of a lot of hair stylists. While up on stage, Phillip Wilson cut my hair. Very awesome!! I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to do this!! My hair looks great!! I wish you would have been able to see how different I look. You probably wouldn't have recognized me!! I miss you so much!! I'm going to take a much needed nap!!

Your Dad called lastnight

Jaida, I forgot to mention that your dad called lastnight. He finally got the message that I sent him on facebook. I only saw him 3 times after you died. I guess he was trying to avoid the fact that you didn't make it a whole hour in this world. It was so easy for him, just to go on like it never happened. Why would he call in the middle of the night instead of at a regular hour in the day to make a phone call?? Maybe it was just because he knew that I would tell him that I was sleeping, and he could feel a little better for trying at all. I guess it's your big sister Vanessa's birthday. She turned 16 today. When I sent him that message on facebook, I just wanted to remind him that I still miss you, and it's not so easy for me to go on with my life, like he has.

Going backwards in time

I feel like I'm going backwards in time. Last year during the holidays, I was in such a daze that the holidays didn't seem to bother me, except when I went to my aunt Laurie's for Christmas. I think that the reason that it bothered me then, is because none of my family even mentioned you. Like you never existed at all. I just went with it, fighting the tears, because my cousin Amanda was pregnant, and I didn't want to steal the attention from her. She deserved the attention. She was pregnant with her first daughter, Nevaeh. It was suppossed to be a happy family gathering, and considering I was NEVER close with my mom's side of the family, I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of them.
Since Halloween, I have been anything but okay. It's hard to get out of bed anymore. I would just rather live in dreamland. I always hope that you would visit me in my dreams, but so far, that is not the case. When I dream, it's like I'm living another life. Like I'm someone else. The dreams that I have seem so real.
I have been avoiding going to church lately as well. Mainly because, my pastor told me that you probably weren't in Heaven. That is what he has been raised to believe. Don't worry Jaida, I don't believe that!! I believe that you are in Heaven with all the other little Angels. Another reason that I've been avoiding going, is because I don't want to feel disappointed that there's other toydrives going on that are spoken more often about in the church announcements.
I have been taking your big sister Jenna to Awana's  at a different church. She loves it there, and there is a woman there named Danielle, that lost a baby 2 Septembers ago. It's really nice to talk to her about her little Angel Hope. She doesn't judge me at all. Infact, she inspires me to carry on. She is a great person!!

I'm so mad!!

I just talked to your cousin Zena on facebook, and I fould out that all 13 of your cousins were taken away by cps and put in foster care!! Those poor kids!! Zena said that they are split up, but live next door to eachother. I'm so mad right now!!

Just another reminder

Jenna's conference went really good!! On her report card she gets 1's, 2's, 3's, and 4's. 1's being the lowest, 3's being average, and 4's being excellent. Well, she had all 3's and a 4 in math. Her teacher said that she only gave out two 4's, and Jenna was one one the lucky kids who got a 4!! I'm so proud of her!! I should be happy, but instead, it is just another reminder that I wont be seeing you off to your first day of school.
Oh, this emotional rollercoaster!! I was doing so good until that night that hit me like a ton of bricks!!
I love you

The best decision I have ever made

Today is suppossed to be the last nice day of the year. Even though moving to Wisconsin was the best decision that I've ever made, I can't help but hate the weather here. It's so depressing and gloomy some days. To be honest, there have been around 15 nice days in the last 7 months. And winter is coming!! The leaves are beautiful here, but it doesn't make up for the 4-5 months of snow that will soon be falling. I hate winter!! I hate cold weather all together!! Oh well. I'm here, so I might as well make the best of it.
I have school conferences to go to for your big sister Jenna. I'm so proud of her!! She is in kindergarten, and already can add numbers like 6+6 and 9+9!! She is so smart!!
Sending my love up to Heaven to you!!

So grown up

I just realized how grown up your big sisters are for their age. They are wise beyond their years!! For being only 6 and 4, they are my support, my backbone. They have taken on the role of being my comforter when I am sad. I also realized that I take a lot for granted. I am blessed to have been able to have 3 beautiful children!! Even if one isn't here with me, but watching from above instead. Jaida, you have opened my eyes to a world of blessings around me. You have made me want to be a better person. You have taught me how to love, and to live. And yet, I have never had the pleasure to meet you.
Today you would have been 1 year and 2 months old. I miss you more every passing day, but as each day passes I know that it's a day closer to seeing you again!! Until then my sweet Angel...
Mommy loves you