Losing Jaida Grace

Its hitting me again. Like an ocean crashing down on me. The tears haven't started to flow yet, but they will. They always do. It feels like someone is choking the life out of me right now. I knew that the feeling of being "okay" was temporary. I need to be alone for a while, but that isn't possible. I need a break from life even if it's only 15 minutes. I want to be able to talk to you out loud. I need that. I need you. I need to fully feel all of the feelings that I have bottled up inside of me.  Right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I miss you with all of my heart. I read that mothers tend to send out the wrong signals to their children when they mourn the loss of another child, and almost make them idolize this perfect baby who is an Angel and makes them get the wrong idea. I've noticed that Jenna and Katie use death in their play. They also have said that they wished that they were dead so that they could be in Heaven with you.  Which obviously they don't understand death, but it kills me when they say that. I'm not sure that I could handle losing another child, ever. I do think of you as perfect. Not a single flaw. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. What I would give to hold you once again. To spend more time alone with you. To look you over again, so I don't lose a single detail of the memory. Oh Jaida, I love you so much that it hurts.