Going backwards in time

I feel like I'm going backwards in time. Last year during the holidays, I was in such a daze that the holidays didn't seem to bother me, except when I went to my aunt Laurie's for Christmas. I think that the reason that it bothered me then, is because none of my family even mentioned you. Like you never existed at all. I just went with it, fighting the tears, because my cousin Amanda was pregnant, and I didn't want to steal the attention from her. She deserved the attention. She was pregnant with her first daughter, Nevaeh. It was suppossed to be a happy family gathering, and considering I was NEVER close with my mom's side of the family, I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of them.
Since Halloween, I have been anything but okay. It's hard to get out of bed anymore. I would just rather live in dreamland. I always hope that you would visit me in my dreams, but so far, that is not the case. When I dream, it's like I'm living another life. Like I'm someone else. The dreams that I have seem so real.
I have been avoiding going to church lately as well. Mainly because, my pastor told me that you probably weren't in Heaven. That is what he has been raised to believe. Don't worry Jaida, I don't believe that!! I believe that you are in Heaven with all the other little Angels. Another reason that I've been avoiding going, is because I don't want to feel disappointed that there's other toydrives going on that are spoken more often about in the church announcements.
I have been taking your big sister Jenna to Awana's  at a different church. She loves it there, and there is a woman there named Danielle, that lost a baby 2 Septembers ago. It's really nice to talk to her about her little Angel Hope. She doesn't judge me at all. Infact, she inspires me to carry on. She is a great person!!