1 year, 8 months, and 2 days

You have been gone for so long!! Although it is still fresh in my mind, like it happened yesterday. It breaks my heart that I've lost out on so many milestones that you would have reached. I am getting closer to having this new baby, and I can't help but feel blessed, that I was given the opportunity to be a mom again. She will never replace you. You will always be her big sister. She will know all about you. I chose a name for her. It is Mariana Jade. Mariana is after my grandma Mary Ann, and Jade of course is after you. Will you please tell my grandma up there that I miss her so much also, and that I want this baby to be a tribute to the both of you. Two amazing and loving people who passed away too soon.
I guess I'm doing okay lately. Eventhough I still have this empty place inside my heart. I had an ultrasound a few days ago, and I got to see whet Mariana looks like in 4-d imaging. Its amazing how technology advanced!! While I was talking to the radiologist, I mentioned that I still had the disc of your ultrasound, and she asked me to bring it in next month when I go in for my next ultrasound, so she can look at it and see if she can detect the heart defect. Even the Dr came in afterwards and asked me to bring it in. They said that the radiologist who did your ultrasound must have looked right past it because it should have been obvious. So I'm excited to find out what they will have to say.
I was asked to be in your Uncle Adam's wedding as a bridesmaid after all!! I'm so excited!! Your big sisters get to be flower girls. They love to dress up, so it will be a lot of fun for them. Were going to do a slide show at the reception, and were going to include you. I take your urn with me to family gatherings because you are a part of this family.
I love you so much Angel!!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry that I haven't written you in a while. As you know I talk to you throughout the day though. I feel so guilty that I'm trying to move on. I feel like I've ran out of people to talk to about how I'm feeling. Nobody wants to hear how much I miss you. Being pregnant doesn't help either. I'm not trying to replace you like everyone seems to think. I just want to stop feeling like this. It's getting hard to act like I'm fine.
Tomorrow is my appointment to find out if I'm having a boy or girl. I have all of this pressure from my family to have a boy. But, I don't want the baby to be a boy. I want a girl, I want you. I'm ust hoping that this baby is healthy.
Your Uncle Adam is getting married next June!! I was really excited about it, until I heard that him and Amanda asked Amber to be in the wedding party and they didn't ask me. It's funny because Amanda doesn't even like Amber, I think the only reason that they asked her is because they asked her boyfriend Emerson to be in it. I can't believe I'm this upset over it though.
I miss you more than anyone could ever comprehend.
God, please give me strength to cope with life's overwhelming circumstances.

Another Angel grew wings

A little boy named Dane in Jenna's class came up to me when he found out that I was pregnant, and told me that his mommy had a baby in her tummy too. Today he came up with some sad news that his baby brother died. His mom delivered a stillborn at 18 weeks, two days ago. I called the pastor and got his phone number to try to talk to his mom Rachel, but no one answered. I feel so bad for the family, but I'm sort of glad that they didn't answer, because I still need to process all of this. I'm afraid that I'll lose my composure, and I don't want to make this about me. I will keep trying to call though. I also called the Miss Foundation and they told me that they will send me a grief packet to give to the family. I also called another member of the congregation, to see if anyone is interested in making the family meals for a week or two.
Jaida please welcome him into Heaven and show him around. I just wish there was more that I could do.

A ray of hope

Your big sister Jenna goes to school at St. John's Lutheran, which is also where we go to church. My faith has been dwindling quite a bit since my pastor told me that you weren't in Heaven, so I was avoiding going to church there. I actually started going to another one right next door to my house, called Faith Chapel. The first time I went there was your birthday, and I was actually walking home from St. John's when the pastor from Faith Chapel saw us and yelled service starts here in 15 minutes. I told him I'd be right back, and walked home to drop the Sunday School art projects off, and I went back. Your sister's went to Sunday School, and I went to service. While I was sitting there a woman named Danielle, came to welcome me, and actually decided to sit with me. After the service, we were talking, and I mentioned that it was your birthday. Tears came to her eyes, as she said that she also lost a baby. Her daughter Hope would have turned 2 on September 19th.  I believe that God lead me there.
Jenna's teacher stopped me in the hallway yesterday when I picked her up, and again told me again, that if there was anything that I needed just to let her know. Well, today I got a call from the preschool teacher at St. John's, that someone anonomously paid for Katie to attend preschool there!! What a blessing!!
Jaida, I miss you so much!! It just kills me that I will never have the honor to take you to your first day of school. I had so many hopes and dreams for you. I love you more and more as the days pass.

This morning I threw up blood. I went to the walk-in clinic at the hospital, and they wheeled me over to the er. All my blood work came back good. They said it's probably from irritation from morning sickness. They did an ultrasond, and I got to see your little brother or sister!! The baby is shaped like a little peanut with arms.
Jenna said to me today that she hates that I love you the best. I never meant to send the wrong message to her. How do you explain to a 6 year old, that all of my hopes and dreams for you, were shattered when you were taken from me.  I feel like I've failed her. Like I put my grief in front her. I wish it was that easy just to move on, but you will be a part of me forever. I will never move on. I just need to learn to live with it. I'll try not to cry around them anymore. I'm also going to go out of my way to show your sisters just how much I love them too.
I miss you so much.

I am on a downwards spiral

Happy New Year Jaida!! I'm so sorry that I haven't written to you in a while. I'm not doing good at all. When you passed away, I wanted to be pregnant again immediately. I was far from in the right state of mind, because all I could think about was naming the baby Jaida Grace also. Like that would somehow bring you back and take the ache from my heart. I am scared to death. I was on Paxil for depression, and Clonazepam for my panic attacks and I weened myself off.  I am suffering from ptsd, a year and a half after you passed away!! I can't get over losing you. I just can't. Now that I'm off the medication, I am an emotional wreck, plus my hormones aren't helping. I should be happy, but instead, I'm terrified. What if I lose this baby too?? I have been praying my heart out.
Jaida, I miss you so much. I wish that it was you growing inside of me, but I'm pretty sure that it's not how it works. I love you!!