I'm so stressed out!!

Hi Angel. Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I went to the doctor yesterday, and found out that I'm pregnant. I'm scared to death!! I haven't told your grandma yet, because I'm worried that she will up and move out. I am worried sick that something might go wrong with this baby. My doctor told me to quit taking the paxil that I've been on. I saw on a commercial that women who take paxil while pregnant, have babies with cleft lips, and other birth defects. Luckily, I found out soon enough to get off of them. I have never experienced morning sickness until this pregnancy. It's awful. I puked all over myself when I was in grandpa's van yesterday. Jaida, I want you to know that I'm not replacing you. Nothing or no one could ever replace you. I still miss you every single day. Can you please talk to God for me, and ask him to help me find peace of mind. I have been praying about it, but I worry so much. I don't think that I could handle losing another baby. I hope it's a boy.

Numb

Lately I've felt so numb. I dropped your toy drive donation box off, and I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment like I expected to have. I guess that I thought it would bring me some peace, that I did something to honor you and help out the community this Christmas, but it felt like a big let down. I should be giving you presents for Christmas. I have been thinking about God a lot lately. We share something in common. We both have lost a child. A child that we created. It makes me feel closer to God than ever before. Yet, I still have been avoiding going to Church. I don't feel like I am accepted there. Like I'm judged. I forgive my pastor for telling me that you weren't in Heaven because you weren't baptized. I just feel that I don't want to belong to a congregation that believes such idiocies. I know that you are in Heaven. I will see you there when my time comes. I long for you, my child. I'll love you til the end of time.

Its hitting me again. Like an ocean crashing down on me. The tears haven't started to flow yet, but they will. They always do. It feels like someone is choking the life out of me right now. I knew that the feeling of being "okay" was temporary. I need to be alone for a while, but that isn't possible. I need a break from life even if it's only 15 minutes. I want to be able to talk to you out loud. I need that. I need you. I need to fully feel all of the feelings that I have bottled up inside of me.  Right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I miss you with all of my heart. I read that mothers tend to send out the wrong signals to their children when they mourn the loss of another child, and almost make them idolize this perfect baby who is an Angel and makes them get the wrong idea. I've noticed that Jenna and Katie use death in their play. They also have said that they wished that they were dead so that they could be in Heaven with you.  Which obviously they don't understand death, but it kills me when they say that. I'm not sure that I could handle losing another child, ever. I do think of you as perfect. Not a single flaw. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. What I would give to hold you once again. To spend more time alone with you. To look you over again, so I don't lose a single detail of the memory. Oh Jaida, I love you so much that it hurts.

Forever Mine

After being diagnosed with ptsd, I think I'm actually doing pretty good. I haven't had any breakdowns at all. I guess it's because I have been counting my blessings instead of dwelling on my sorrow. I still miss you terribly, don't get me wrong. You are a part of me forever. I hold you in a very special place in my heart. You have made such an imprint on my soul that I will never get over or move on from you. I am just learning to live with it, because I will never forget. I am struggling to accept that you aren't here with me, alive. But you hold so dear to my heart, that you are. You are my inspiration. My Angel. My blessing.

I guess I've changed my mind

Aunty Lorayne and Uncle Joseph will be here on Wednesday night. I'm so excited to see them!! I also can't wait until Thanksgiving, despite my original feelings. I love my close knit, friendly, loving family.  Thanksgiving also falls on your Great Grandma, Mary Ann Leighton's, Birthday. I'm sure that you already know that though. We are going to have a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to her. I can only imagine the glorious celebrations in Heaven. Will you please give her a kiss and a big hug from me, and tell her that I love her so much and that I miss her. I miss you too. I always will. Please don't ever lose your luster. You are an Angel sent to me, but too perfect for this world, so you had to leave. Until the day that we meet again, in the most perfect place. Mommy loves you.

Diagnosis

I've been going to a psychiatrist the past couple of months, and at my last appointment, my doctor told me that I need to take it easy. He says that I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I guess he is worried that I will have a nervous breakdown if I keep myself so busy. He said that I need to take some time for myself and not do anything that could cause some extra stress in my life. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I'm still in that shocked phase. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. But, I do know that I miss you so much Jaida!!

Snow

Today was the first snowfall of the year. I was visiting with your Grandpa, when your big sister Katie called. It had been a while since I had talked to Katie on the phone. Hearing how grown up she sounded, and so caught up in the moment, I didn't even hear her tell me that it was snowing outside. Finally, she noticed that I didn't hear her, she yelled "Mommy, um, HELLO!! It's snowing outside!!!"Just when I feel so lost in my life, I realize all of the blessings and the beauty of life. Witnessing a first for a child is magical.  I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life.