I'm so stressed out!!

Hi Angel. Sorry that I haven't written in a while. I went to the doctor yesterday, and found out that I'm pregnant. I'm scared to death!! I haven't told your grandma yet, because I'm worried that she will up and move out. I am worried sick that something might go wrong with this baby. My doctor told me to quit taking the paxil that I've been on. I saw on a commercial that women who take paxil while pregnant, have babies with cleft lips, and other birth defects. Luckily, I found out soon enough to get off of them. I have never experienced morning sickness until this pregnancy. It's awful. I puked all over myself when I was in grandpa's van yesterday. Jaida, I want you to know that I'm not replacing you. Nothing or no one could ever replace you. I still miss you every single day. Can you please talk to God for me, and ask him to help me find peace of mind. I have been praying about it, but I worry so much. I don't think that I could handle losing another baby. I hope it's a boy.

Numb

Lately I've felt so numb. I dropped your toy drive donation box off, and I didn't have that feeling of accomplishment like I expected to have. I guess that I thought it would bring me some peace, that I did something to honor you and help out the community this Christmas, but it felt like a big let down. I should be giving you presents for Christmas. I have been thinking about God a lot lately. We share something in common. We both have lost a child. A child that we created. It makes me feel closer to God than ever before. Yet, I still have been avoiding going to Church. I don't feel like I am accepted there. Like I'm judged. I forgive my pastor for telling me that you weren't in Heaven because you weren't baptized. I just feel that I don't want to belong to a congregation that believes such idiocies. I know that you are in Heaven. I will see you there when my time comes. I long for you, my child. I'll love you til the end of time.

Its hitting me again. Like an ocean crashing down on me. The tears haven't started to flow yet, but they will. They always do. It feels like someone is choking the life out of me right now. I knew that the feeling of being "okay" was temporary. I need to be alone for a while, but that isn't possible. I need a break from life even if it's only 15 minutes. I want to be able to talk to you out loud. I need that. I need you. I need to fully feel all of the feelings that I have bottled up inside of me.  Right now, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I miss you with all of my heart. I read that mothers tend to send out the wrong signals to their children when they mourn the loss of another child, and almost make them idolize this perfect baby who is an Angel and makes them get the wrong idea. I've noticed that Jenna and Katie use death in their play. They also have said that they wished that they were dead so that they could be in Heaven with you.  Which obviously they don't understand death, but it kills me when they say that. I'm not sure that I could handle losing another child, ever. I do think of you as perfect. Not a single flaw. I have never wanted something so bad in my entire life. What I would give to hold you once again. To spend more time alone with you. To look you over again, so I don't lose a single detail of the memory. Oh Jaida, I love you so much that it hurts.

Forever Mine

After being diagnosed with ptsd, I think I'm actually doing pretty good. I haven't had any breakdowns at all. I guess it's because I have been counting my blessings instead of dwelling on my sorrow. I still miss you terribly, don't get me wrong. You are a part of me forever. I hold you in a very special place in my heart. You have made such an imprint on my soul that I will never get over or move on from you. I am just learning to live with it, because I will never forget. I am struggling to accept that you aren't here with me, alive. But you hold so dear to my heart, that you are. You are my inspiration. My Angel. My blessing.

I guess I've changed my mind

Aunty Lorayne and Uncle Joseph will be here on Wednesday night. I'm so excited to see them!! I also can't wait until Thanksgiving, despite my original feelings. I love my close knit, friendly, loving family.  Thanksgiving also falls on your Great Grandma, Mary Ann Leighton's, Birthday. I'm sure that you already know that though. We are going to have a cake and sing "Happy Birthday" to her. I can only imagine the glorious celebrations in Heaven. Will you please give her a kiss and a big hug from me, and tell her that I love her so much and that I miss her. I miss you too. I always will. Please don't ever lose your luster. You are an Angel sent to me, but too perfect for this world, so you had to leave. Until the day that we meet again, in the most perfect place. Mommy loves you.

Diagnosis

I've been going to a psychiatrist the past couple of months, and at my last appointment, my doctor told me that I need to take it easy. He says that I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. I guess he is worried that I will have a nervous breakdown if I keep myself so busy. He said that I need to take some time for myself and not do anything that could cause some extra stress in my life. I thought I was doing better, but I guess I'm still in that shocked phase. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. But, I do know that I miss you so much Jaida!!

Snow

Today was the first snowfall of the year. I was visiting with your Grandpa, when your big sister Katie called. It had been a while since I had talked to Katie on the phone. Hearing how grown up she sounded, and so caught up in the moment, I didn't even hear her tell me that it was snowing outside. Finally, she noticed that I didn't hear her, she yelled "Mommy, um, HELLO!! It's snowing outside!!!"Just when I feel so lost in my life, I realize all of the blessings and the beauty of life. Witnessing a first for a child is magical.  I am so thankful for the people that I have in my life.

Wow

On Saturday, I got a modeling job!! Crazy, huh?!?! Your Aunty Amber's friend, Angela, told me about this Redken convention at Grand Geneva Resort, and told me that they were looking for models to get their hair dyed, cut, and styled by Phillip Wilson (world famous hair stylist). So, I called, and they asked me to send them a picture, so I did. They told me to come for prep in the morning. Today we had to go in, and go up on stage in front of a lot of hair stylists. While up on stage, Phillip Wilson cut my hair. Very awesome!! I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to do this!! My hair looks great!! I wish you would have been able to see how different I look. You probably wouldn't have recognized me!! I miss you so much!! I'm going to take a much needed nap!!

Your Dad called lastnight

Jaida, I forgot to mention that your dad called lastnight. He finally got the message that I sent him on facebook. I only saw him 3 times after you died. I guess he was trying to avoid the fact that you didn't make it a whole hour in this world. It was so easy for him, just to go on like it never happened. Why would he call in the middle of the night instead of at a regular hour in the day to make a phone call?? Maybe it was just because he knew that I would tell him that I was sleeping, and he could feel a little better for trying at all. I guess it's your big sister Vanessa's birthday. She turned 16 today. When I sent him that message on facebook, I just wanted to remind him that I still miss you, and it's not so easy for me to go on with my life, like he has.

Going backwards in time

I feel like I'm going backwards in time. Last year during the holidays, I was in such a daze that the holidays didn't seem to bother me, except when I went to my aunt Laurie's for Christmas. I think that the reason that it bothered me then, is because none of my family even mentioned you. Like you never existed at all. I just went with it, fighting the tears, because my cousin Amanda was pregnant, and I didn't want to steal the attention from her. She deserved the attention. She was pregnant with her first daughter, Nevaeh. It was suppossed to be a happy family gathering, and considering I was NEVER close with my mom's side of the family, I didn't feel comfortable crying in front of them.
Since Halloween, I have been anything but okay. It's hard to get out of bed anymore. I would just rather live in dreamland. I always hope that you would visit me in my dreams, but so far, that is not the case. When I dream, it's like I'm living another life. Like I'm someone else. The dreams that I have seem so real.
I have been avoiding going to church lately as well. Mainly because, my pastor told me that you probably weren't in Heaven. That is what he has been raised to believe. Don't worry Jaida, I don't believe that!! I believe that you are in Heaven with all the other little Angels. Another reason that I've been avoiding going, is because I don't want to feel disappointed that there's other toydrives going on that are spoken more often about in the church announcements.
I have been taking your big sister Jenna to Awana's  at a different church. She loves it there, and there is a woman there named Danielle, that lost a baby 2 Septembers ago. It's really nice to talk to her about her little Angel Hope. She doesn't judge me at all. Infact, she inspires me to carry on. She is a great person!!

I'm so mad!!

I just talked to your cousin Zena on facebook, and I fould out that all 13 of your cousins were taken away by cps and put in foster care!! Those poor kids!! Zena said that they are split up, but live next door to eachother. I'm so mad right now!!

Just another reminder

Jenna's conference went really good!! On her report card she gets 1's, 2's, 3's, and 4's. 1's being the lowest, 3's being average, and 4's being excellent. Well, she had all 3's and a 4 in math. Her teacher said that she only gave out two 4's, and Jenna was one one the lucky kids who got a 4!! I'm so proud of her!! I should be happy, but instead, it is just another reminder that I wont be seeing you off to your first day of school.
Oh, this emotional rollercoaster!! I was doing so good until that night that hit me like a ton of bricks!!
I love you

The best decision I have ever made

Today is suppossed to be the last nice day of the year. Even though moving to Wisconsin was the best decision that I've ever made, I can't help but hate the weather here. It's so depressing and gloomy some days. To be honest, there have been around 15 nice days in the last 7 months. And winter is coming!! The leaves are beautiful here, but it doesn't make up for the 4-5 months of snow that will soon be falling. I hate winter!! I hate cold weather all together!! Oh well. I'm here, so I might as well make the best of it.
I have school conferences to go to for your big sister Jenna. I'm so proud of her!! She is in kindergarten, and already can add numbers like 6+6 and 9+9!! She is so smart!!
Sending my love up to Heaven to you!!

So grown up

I just realized how grown up your big sisters are for their age. They are wise beyond their years!! For being only 6 and 4, they are my support, my backbone. They have taken on the role of being my comforter when I am sad. I also realized that I take a lot for granted. I am blessed to have been able to have 3 beautiful children!! Even if one isn't here with me, but watching from above instead. Jaida, you have opened my eyes to a world of blessings around me. You have made me want to be a better person. You have taught me how to love, and to live. And yet, I have never had the pleasure to meet you.
Today you would have been 1 year and 2 months old. I miss you more every passing day, but as each day passes I know that it's a day closer to seeing you again!! Until then my sweet Angel...
Mommy loves you

Happy Halloween Pumpkin

Holidays just aren't the same without you here with us. It hit me like a ton of bricks lastnight. I cried until I was cold and shaking.  I sobbed out loud. It's crazy, the love a mother has for her child. I miss you terribly. You are always on my mind.
I read on the hopemommies fb that grieving is silent, it is just thoughts, but mourning is vocal. Every month, when it nears the first, My body remembers. Aches for you.
Your big sisters went trick or treating yesterday. Jenna was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, and Katie was little red riding hood. It was rainy and windy, but they got tons of candy!! I would have dressed you up as a pumpkin. You would have been so cute!!
Lastnight, I prayed that Jesus would snuggle with you and give you a kiss for me. I bet you're a snuggle bug. I can't wait until the day that I get to hold you again!! I love you so much Jaida.

Your name

Today, I decided to look up your name. Jaida means"a jade gem", and Grace means "favored by God". It took me forever to choose your name!! You were almost named Alyssa Jade. Alyssa means "noble and rational",  and Jade obviously means "gem".  I already know the answer, but I still can't help but wonder if you'd still be here if Alyssa Jade was your name. Of course God would want a gem that he favored, but would he have wanted you so soon if your name was Alyssa?
I know that you are in Heaven, safe in Jesus' arms, but I still think about you constantly!! I just miss you so much!!
I love you.

Will you do Mommy a favor??

Today is baby Stella's first birthday in heaven, and baby Max's Mommy got the autopsy report back. Will you do me a favor and ask Jesus to be with Suzanne and Krystal today?? I remember getting your autopsy back. It was a very hard day for me, and if it weren't for Jesus helping me through this last year I probably wouldn't have made it to celebrate your first birthday.
I hope that Stella has a glorious birthday today!!
Thank you Jaida!!
Mommy loves you!!

The Soundtrack of your little life

Today was the first day that I have been able to listen to the soundtrack that I have made of songs that remind me of you, without crying through it. I guess I'm feeling strong today.  At least stronger than yesterday.  Girly, you sure made a huge impact on my life. The way that I view life in general. No more rose colored glasses. I appreciate life so much more. I get goosebumps at some pretty ackward times. People ask me if I'm cold, and I graciously tell them that I'm a very emotional person. Any time I see your sisters do something for their first time, it's hard for me to catch my breath. I will always dream of seeing you do things for your first time. Your first breath, your first cry, your first smile, your first steps, your first birthday...
I will always think about the what if's and the could have been's. Only the good things, because I can't imagine the bad. You were a blessing sent to me. You and I will be together someday.
Mommy loves you, Jaida!!

Butterflies

Today I saw a yellow butterfly and I thought of you. Gosh, does it ever get easier?? Will there ever be a day that I can say that I'm doing great?? It feels like the answer is, no. I know that you are safe in God's arms, and I guess it makes me feel jealous. Jealous that you aren't in mine. I wish that I wouldn't have been induced. That maybe you'd still be here.
I'm just missing you so much today, Jaida.
I constantly look for signs from you.
Big hugs pumpkin!!
I love you!!

Time in Heaven

"They say that time in Heaven is compared to a 'blink of an eye' for us on Earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she's doing, than when she looks behind her, I'll already be there." 
                                                                Author Unknown

Guilt

The other day, my mom pointed out to me that I am spending too much time on my grief. That the pills that I'm taking are making me lose interest in my other children. I have noticed that I haven't spent much quality time with my daughter Katie, who is home all day with me. I feel guilty beyond belief!! I love ALL 3 of my daughters!! Two in which is my reason for getting up in the morning, and the one in heaven in which is the one who keeps me from wanting to get up at all. I don't blame her, I blame myself!! It's just hard, and is going to take time.
Even after a year I still find it difficult to complete daily tasks. I forget to eat, and my children have to tell me "mom I'm hungry" otherwise it would just slip my mind!!  Okay, now reading what I just typed, it makes me sound like I'm a bad mom or something. I'm not.
Katie asked me to make a pinata after seeing it on pbs. Needless to say, I made one with her. It felt good to do something fun and random with her. She cant wait until it dries so we can decorate it!!
Lord, I pray for understanding from the people in my life, that this is a hard and uncharted road that I am dealing with day to day. I pray for the strive to get up everyday, and spend as much quality time with my girls as I can, before they grow up and don't need me anymore. I pray that you walk down this road along side of me. Please send Jaida my love!! In Jesus name, Amen

Good Morning Angel

I am missing you. Today Grandma, your big sister Katie, and I are going to take the fliers for your toy drive around to local businesses. Grandpa and I dropped the donation box off at St. John's. I get this weird feeling that Pastor Lahmann doesn't want me to do the toy drive there. Maybe it's because it's not closed to the church. I don't know. I guess I just feel like it's a burden. Maybe I should have talked to the elder of the two pastors, Pastor Labbs. Or the principal.
The toy drive just started out as a thought, then it grew, and grew. On Facebook alone, there are 900+ guests and counting, that have been invited. 13 gifts have already been ordered on Amazon!! Why not get people from all over the United States involved??!!??  900+ people know about you!! You are making an impact on this Earth!!
I feel guilty for feeling like a burden, because I'm doing something so great!! I feel you with me. Before this, I didn't. I'm going to pray about this sweetie!!

Mommy loves you Jaida!!

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Emotions that words can't describe

Oh Jaida, you would be so proud. I have been doing great things. It makes me feel so close to you. Your big sister Jenna, and I were honored to be a part of a walk to remember all the babies that are with you now. The turn out was amazing. As I pushed that stroller with Jenna in it, you were with me, the whole 4.5 miles. When I reached the end, it was like you spiritually lifted me up!! 
Your Aunty Lorayne, and I  put together a toy drive in your honor. So far, everything has fallen perfectly into place, just as I prayed for. I never dreamed in a million years that I would be doing something like this. It feels so exhilerating!!
I dream of the moment that we reunite. Until then sweet Angel, I will be missing you, loving you, and honoring you!!
Thank You God for this blessing!!

Pregnancy

When I found out that I was pregnant for you, I was so happy. I wanted you so bad. Being pregnant with you was a lot harder than my other two pregnancies. Around the sixth month I started having breathing problems and chest pain. As for the chest pain, I thought that was because I had previously had endocarditis 5 years earlier, but the breathing problems were new and scary. I couldn't walk across the street without having to sit down every ten feet and take a break. I told my doctor, so he referred me to a cardiologist and a pulmonologist.
The cardiologist said that my tests results were normal, however the pulmonologist said that I had asthma. I never had asthma before, but that was suppossed to be the reson for all of my breathing problems. I was given an inhaler an sent on my way. I used my inhaler as perscribed, two puffs once a day, but that didn't help at all. My breathing and chest pains got so bad that I went to the hopsital six times.
I ended up going into pre-term labor in my seventh month of pregnancy and went to the hospital so that my doctor could stop the labor. I was given a shot and my heart rate was 150 bpm and the your heart rate was 180 bpm. It was awful. I couldn't believe that was going to stop the labor, but it did. I was dischaged around three hours later and was told to take it easy. Like I could do anything but.
On August 30th, I woke up so excited, because at midnight on the31st, I was going to get checked in to the hospital to get induced. I couldn't wait to meet you!! When midnight finally rolled around I went to the hospital and got checked in and was induced at 2:00am. Like my last two births, I thought that the epidural would do its job and by the afternoon I would be holding you in my arms. But, it didn't. I could feel every contraction unless I was laying on my right side. I was fully dialated but my crevix hadn't thinned. The babies heart beat kept speeding up until I would have a contraction then it would drop very low. This went on for hours, so I was told that I would have to have an emergency c-section. I quickly called my dad to tell him because I was scared that something would go wrong. After I got off the phone with him I was rushed in to have an emergency c-section.
While I was laying there I was just waiting to hear you cry, but it never came. I heard "The cord is around her neck!" Then someone said "It's a girl" so I thought everything was okay until I heard my mom say "Is she breathing?" I looked to my left and finally saw a croud of people working on you, but I couldn't see you. I'm not sure if I was just so emotionally exhausted to stay awake or if they put me out, but I woke up to my mom crying telling me that they couldn't save you.
That was unfathomable!! You were just kicking inside of my womb a few short hours ago. How could she be gone?!?!?!?! My mom asked me if I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to see a dead baby I wanted to see my baby who was alive and well. I told her no.
All I could do was cry, so I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up I looked over and saw my mom getting you dressed. Was that just a bad dream?? My mom asked again "Are you sure you don't want to hold her?" I finally agreed to, and I'm so happy that I did. You looked absolutely perfect. Not a single flaw. It looked like you were peacefully sleeping and I held you for hours. I kept looking at you wondering if you would ever wake up.
My sister Lorayne drove in from California and my Dad, my brother Adam, my sister Amber, and my niece Tessa drove in from Wisconsin immediately when they heard the news. Of course, my sister Lorayne made it to Phoenix much faster than anyone else. My Mom, and Lorayne stayed with me at the hospital overnight in the delivery room instead of going to a postpartum room, because I couldn't handle being around the babies. If I would have heard a baby cry, I probably would have lost it. I finally sent you down to the morgue that night.
The rest of my family wanted to see you, so a couple of hours before they arrived to the hospital, I had the nurses bring you up and get you dressed so that I could hold you some more. I knew that I was leaving the hospital that night, and I wanted to spend some time with you before I would have to say goodbye. When they got there they all cried. They all held you and loved you.
My doctor arrived to discharge me from the hospital that evening. Everyone left the room so that you and I could be alone. I sat there holding you and kissing you, just praying that you would wake up, but you didn't. You just layed there sleeping like a beautiful little angel. I told you how much I love you as I layed you down and kissed you, then I said goodbye. I gracefully walked out the door and gently closed it behind me. Then I ran back in the room and started sobbing. I picked you back up and just sobbed, I didn't want to go home without you, but I knew that I couldn't take you home.